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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Why?

Why is it that I have this very quiet, but very persistent tape recording running through my head that keeps telling me I'm unlovable?


I know it's there. It's the part of my brain that keeps telling me that relationships don't work out for me like they do for other people, that it is impossible for my life to become what I want it to be, that I am probably on the verge of spending many, many years alone, or possibly decades, and that if I ever did meet anyone who I wanted to have a relationship with, they wouldn't want me anyway. I'm not worth the effort.

I don't like to admit that this subliminal message is constantly running through the fibers of my innermost thoughts, that it's arguing with me every time I dare to hope or dream for love to find me one day. But I know it's there, and it's real, and it's something I have to fight against. That battle is more difficult, though, when reality keeps staring me in the face, telling me that I am alone because there is something wrong with me.

The irony of it is that I'm not at all alone. That part of my mind, the part that tells me I'm alone and unlovable, has probably been there for most of my life, but it does not comprise the whole of my thoughts. I have another half of my brain that can break down that argument logically, point by point, and remind me that I am already loved. I have two beautiful children who love me. I am surrounded by family who love me. I have friends who love me, and I have friends who are more than family to me who also love me. Even the husband I just left still loves me. I know I'm surrounded by love, and I keep reminding myself of that reality, trying every day to wrap myself in its warmth and comfort, reassuring myself that love is everywhere around me. I sometimes think of this song and use it as a tool to remind myself of the ever constant presence of that love, but more often than not, I just end up in tears, feeling lonely and forlorn, and again, for no good reason at all, unloved and unlovable.

This is one of the things I have just begun to work through in counseling, this tape recording of negativity and eternal loneliness. I know that this is an essential part of the journey that life has laid out before me right now, and I know that one day, I'll reach the other side and look back on this time in my life, possibly even reread this blog entry, and wonder how I could have ever been so foolish as to think that love was impossible for me to find. But I also know that there is a long, painful, and difficult road between here and there that I have to travel, and sometimes, it feels like all I need is a someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay before I can dust myself off and get back on that familiar road again.

That's when I find myself eternally thankful for love from my friends and my family, who are there for me on every step of this journey of personal discovery and growth. I couldn't do it without them and I love them all.

And ultimately, it may be that the way to convince myself that I am loved is to know that I love. Of that, I am certain; I do love many people, all for different reasons, but each of whom hold their own special place in my heart. And maybe the real lesson I need to learn is that it's not the love that we seek from others that is meant to carry us through these difficult times, but the love we give away.

2 comments:

Kim V. said...

I know exactly how you feel. It is really hard to get that negative internal dialogue to go away. You just have to keep repeating to yourself how wonderful, special and divinely lovable you are. 'Cause you are, you know.

used2chaos said...

The love we give is so important. Also learning to love ourselves...that is key. Work on finding out who you are, and then loving that beautiful person.
I know I do!
I'm here, holding your hand for every step of this difficult journey...I won't let go, my friend. I promise. ♥