Rules

I had a great conversation with a good friend of mine last night about the recent escapades of my dating life.  I’ve been pretty amazed at the dishonesty and cowardliness that I’m coming across, and it’s so frustrating that I am all but ready to enter a convent.  (Problem there…I’m not Catholic, but that’s another story.)  In any case, one of the things she was encouraging me to do was to rewrite my online dating profile and lay out a few simple rules for the guys who read it.  She emphasized that men like rules.  Rules keep things simple and straightforward for them, and everyone knows that women in general do not have a reputation for simplifying things.  So I started thinking about the rules I would want to put into place, and really, I think it all boils down to one very simple and basic request for all the men of the single dating world.

Please SAY SOMETHING. 

For example, if you’re the guy I met who couldn’t stop flirting with me, who spent hours upon hours talking to me on the phone every night, and who shortly after meeting me had a death in the family and needed to take a break from dating, yet decided to stay in touch with me anyway and let me think that you were still interested…and then you got involved with someone else in the meantime, tell me.  Just TELL me.  Don’t post it on Facebook like a chicken shit and wait for me to see it so you won’t have to say anything to me yourself.  I’m not a fragile creature who will fall apart if you move on with your life; I just want to know the truth, so I don’t end up feeling like an idiot.  This comes down to respect and honesty, and I don’t think that is a lot to ask.

And, if you’re the guy who spent weeks getting to know me online before we decided to meet, who told me repeatedly how much you loved my honesty and that you thought I was amazing and you were really hoping things worked out for us, yet for whatever reason you changed your mind after actually meeting me face to face…again, tell me.  You truly have no excuse for this one, because I even gave you an easy out and said that “if the person you met is not the person you were expecting, that’s okay, it happens, I won’t mind, just say so.”  Yes, you have to actually SAY so.  You should not hide out and avoid my emails in the hopes that I will get the hint.  That is the kind of behavior that should be left behind in high school.  Instead, please strap on your balls and speak up.  Again, this is not a lot to ask.  This is the kind of common courtesy that you would want afforded to you, and it is simply cruel and hurtful not to extend it to others.   

Both of these men treated me very differently, but they both had one thing in common.  They were both cowards who didn’t know how to speak up when faced with a complicated dose of reality.  I am not the kind of person who can tolerate this level of emotional immaturity, so I am glad I was able to cut my losses early in the game in both cases and move on.  Still, it hurts to be treated with such disrespect, and moreover, I am incredibly tired of disrespect.  I lived with it for 12 years in my marriage and I will not willingly expose myself to it any longer. 

While I’m at it, if you happen to be in the online dating game, here are a few other moves you should avoid—and yes, these things really happened to me.  You can’t make this stuff up.

1. When you contact a woman and she responds politely that she is not interested, do not accuse her of lying.
2. When a woman you just met asks you why you don’t have any pictures on your profile, this is not necessarily the best time to discuss your ex-wife’s meth addiction.  It doesn’t make you look better to readily admit that you were once married to a junkie.  They call it TMI for a reason. 
3. Your first email to a woman you find attractive should not include a request to steal some kisses.  That is sleazy, not sexy.  There is a huge difference.  

My therapist has reassured me that I am the kind of person who is very real, and that it’s likely that other people are intimidated by that, particularly after crossing the barrier from the virtual world into the face-to-face one.  He said I’m not making bad choices about the kind of guys I’m taking interest in, but am merely running into people who are very immature, time after time.  And he believes that immaturity like this is common in the male world, and it just takes some time to find the person who will treat you with love and respect and dignity instead of being a cowardly jerk.

I believe he's right.  One day, I will find someone who will treat me with respect and courtesy and dignity, who will realize how much I have to offer and won't want to let me go.  That person will know how to wear his big boy pants and act like a grown-up.  That person could turn out to be the love of my life.  I just haven't met him yet.