Very good news

Even as difficult as it seems my life is right now, there is still very, very good news to be told about my son.

When his school let out at the beginning of June, I started him on the Feingold diet and some supplements as a natural way to treat his ADHD.  His symptoms included hyperactivity, behavior problems, and learning difficulties, particularly with his handwriting, and he had been treated with Ritalin while at school.  It did help him to calm down and concentrate much better than he could without it, and it made it possible for him to accomplish school work that he could not complete otherwise.  But the side effects of the Ritalin included restlessness and difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, lethargy, and when he was coming down off the drug at the end of the school day, severe irritability and sometimes tantrums.  I had no choice but to medicate him at school because he could not work without the drug, but I was desperately hoping that during the summer, I would find some ways to manage his symptoms without the use of medication.

Since starting the Feingold diet, I have seen such a dramatic change in my son that I can hardly put words to it.  He is still an active boy, for certain, and he still gets into fights with his sister, but it is at the level of what I would consider normal sibling rivalry for two kids who are home together all summer long.  Gone are the failing limbs, constant jumping and throwing his body around, nonstop chattering, and the voluminous yelling.  Those things are replaced with a boy who is, at times, so quiet that I'll walk into the room and not even know he's in there.  I'll go walking through the house to look for him because I can't find him, and he'll be sitting quietly on his bed or on the sofa, reading a book.  Reading a book!!!!  He reads!  Or at other times, he will be in the same room with his sister, and they'll both be playing quietly and not disturbing each other.  That almost never happened before.  I am also seeing a noticeable reduction in his asthma and allergy symptoms, to the point where he was coughing and wheezing every night in bed and now does so rarely, if ever.  I hope this will become a permanent change for him.

Another area where I am seeing improvement is in his handwriting.  It has always been atrocious, but at least while on Ritalin, he developed some ability to write.  Before that he could not so much as pen his name.  But even so, when he did write, there were no spaces between words, the letters were oversized and scrawling, many of them were backwards, and it was for the most part illegible.  Like this:

(Translation:  This is my mom.  Her name is Anne Marie.  She has brown colored eyes.  She has brown colored hair.  I like it when she takes me to the park.)

Today, I had him sit down and write the titles of the books we have read for the summer reading program.  I noticed right away after looking at his writing that it was neater and there was very little letter reversal.  He has started writing the letter C and the letter S correctly, for starters.  It was a big deal to me to see him write his name for the first time without a backwards S.  He has always, always written it with a backwards S, until shortly after we started Feingold.

This is what his writing looked like today.  It still leaves a lot to be desired, of course, but the spacing and the overall tidiness of it looks improved to me.  Mostly, it's legible!

Here's a close up for a better look.  The first three lines were written a few weeks ago, when he had just started on Feingold.  It's hard to see because of the library stamp on it but it says "Food Chain Frenzy, Magic School Bus."  The other three titles were written today and I don't think they need translation!  

Okay, maybe only a mother would be proud of that...but dangit, I'm proud of that!

I really hope that the longer he stays on Feingold, the more we will see an improvement.  I still don't know if he'll be able to function well enough in school this fall without any medication, but hopefully, if he does need some, it can be at a lower dose.  And I have to say, I don't want to turn into a Feingold preacher girl, but I am so excited about what this has done for my son that it's become hard for me not to cringe when I see other kids eating tons of artificial colors and flavors.  I'm becoming a bit of a food snob.  Maybe that's a side effect of parenting on Feingold.

The Limbo

I just looked up the Limbo song on YouTube.  It's a feel good song; it makes me think of relaxing on the beach with a cold drink in my hand.  I have to say, if I knew I had to be stuck in limbo for any period of time, and I could choose any limbo I wanted, I'd pick that limbo.  It's fun.

But...I'm stuck in a different kind of limbo.  I'm out of my marriage, but I'm not divorced.  I have a job to provide myself and my kids with income, but it isn't enough.  I have a plan to get a new job that will hopefully be better for me and my kids, but I can't seem to tap into my internal motivating force to start looking for that job.  I have a home to stay in temporarily, but indefinitely, while I figure all of this out, but I really want to be out on my own again.  And I'm fading in and out of bouts of depression, and just when I think I'm finally out for good, I sink back in again.

I'm working on finding my way out of this limbo, but it's a slow and sticky process.  There are lots of steps to take, so many that I tend to look at them all and then just want to run and hide in a corner somewhere instead of dealing with it.  I really hope that in the next week, I can find a way to make myself take just one step in the direction I need to go.  Just one.  And then the next, and slowly, steadily, I can rebuild my life and find a better place.

In the meantime, though, happy music helps.  I think I'm going to play that song again.

Blog? What blog?

Yes, I know that I have been ignoring this blog for the last week or so.

Yes, I know that I made a promise to myself to blog along with a friend every day for 100 days.

And yes, I actually do like blogging.

But right now, life keeps getting in the way of this blogging thing.  I want to be here writing about random tidbits of my life on a regular basis, but I've realized that I have other things I need to be focusing on in my life right now, like looking for a new job, and making more promises to myself that I won't keep only makes me feel like a failure.

So I'm going to resist the urge to swear to myself that I am going to blog more often, and instead I am going to do it when I can and when I feel like it.  If it's not fun, then what's the point?

And meanwhile, this week, I really do need to make some strides in the direction of my job hunt, even if they are only small ones.  I have been intimidated and overwhelmed by the idea of it for a while, and as my nature is, I have been procrastinating it because it's too difficult for me to face.  These are the times when I really wish I had the support and encouragement of a spouse.  To me, that's what marriage is supposed to be about--having someone with whom to pursue life goals and dreams, someone who will hold you up when you really don't feel like you can do it alone.  At least I have friends and family who will support and encourage me, but it isn't the same when your life is not directly joined to those people who are offering you love and support.

I think that part of the reason this job search has been so hard for me is because of those reasons I just identified above, and now that I have recognized that I need to be the one to light the fire under my own arse at this juncture in my life, it will be a little easier for me to strike the match.

At least I hope so.  I really need to make some progress this week instead of letting the intimidation of it loom over my head, like an anvil teetering on the edge of a shelf.

Healing Recipes

I have been very, deeply hurt because of some events that have occurred over the last several days among a close group of friends, in a place that I have always thought of as my own personal shelter from the storms of life.  When your shelter falls apart in the middle of a storm, and you find yourself getting dumped on, it hurts.  Words can be among the most hurtful thing of all, whether they are spoken or written.  

So I made the decision to remove myself from the situation that was causing me such pain, which of course left me hurting even more deeply than I was in the first place.  The irony of it is grand.  And I found myself seeking for a recipe that would help me heal from the pain I had just endured.

The one I called upon required a mixture of butter, sugar, flour, eggs, vanilla, and chocolate chips.  I have this thing about baking as therapy.  Sure, the caloric method of healing only offers a Band-Aid on the wounds of life, but it feels good for the moment, and it fills my soul with a certain kind of warmth to get into the kitchen and make something that tastes good and is filled with love. 

But already, the pile of chocolate chip cookies is dwindling down until it is nearly a pile of crumbs.  I think I have to go back to the kitchen and take one of those cookies…just one.  I’m going to set it aside for myself for later.  And when I feel like crying again, as I know I soon will, I’m going to do it over a cookie and a glass of milk because maybe that really will make it feel all better.

And when that last cookie is gone, I hope I will still have my friends.  At least I know that the friends who truly love me will be there for me, somewhere.

Father's Day

I spent Father's Day doing things for everyone else, it seems, and now I'm exhausted.

I went to church with my kids because they really wanted to go to Sunday school.  They like it there.  Kudos for them, but I would have been happy to stay home with a cup of coffee.  I didn't feel good this morning.

Then I sat at a table in a restaurant I didn't care for, with some people I have never met, caring for a child who can't eat most of the food they serve there--including the syrup on the table right in front of him--because he is on a special diet, feeling headachy and queasy but knowing that my parents were glad to have me and the kids with them on Father's Day.  Yay me.  I was a good daughter.

After that, I had to help out a friend in need, because that's what friends do.  That's all I'm gonna say about that.  I also talked to my children's dad and found out that he hadn't yet gotten the Father's Day package I sent to him because he has to go somewhere to pick it up and just hadn't done that yet, even though I told him it should have been there by Friday.  I wanted him to have it for Father's Day.  Oh well...it's his fault that he didn't have it, not mine, but I was a little disheartened by that.

Then I went out with my kids and my dad and my siblings to take a walk in the places that my dad loves to go walking.  Mind you, we didn't actually take a walk at any of them.  He just wanted to show us where they all are, so we drove from one parking lot to the next so that he could show us his favorite spots.  And they're all along a trail that goes through the local industrial park starting at the sewage treatment plant, so we got to start our tour there; oh, what a breath of fresh air THAT was.  Yes, this is my dad, and this is what he wanted to do today.  I swear one day I'm going to write a book about the experience of living with my parents again.  I really am.

Then I read a book to my kids before dinner,  put the kids to bed after dinner, and now I am sitting here trying to work and my mind is so fuzzy that I can't concentrate.  I don't know if I should drink coffee or take a nap, but I do know that I definitely should not be blogging.  But I am anyway because I am a professional procrastinator.

I am incredibly drained right now, and I think this is going to be a very, very long and difficult week.

I'm blogging. Yes, I am.

I know, I said I was going to write every day, and yesterday I didn't.  I'm a schmuck.  And today I didn't feel like writing because I couldn't think of anything interesting to say, but I'm going to write anyway because that's what blogging is.  I write about whatever I want whether anyone wants to read it or not.  And since I don't have anything to talk about that is particularly insightful or entertaining, I'll just talk about what I'm doing when I'm not blogging.

Yesterday the kids and I drove to Santa Cruz to visit a friend from Nebraska who is there staying with her mother in law for the summer.  Her family used to live next door to us when Abi was a baby and Samuel was a preschooler, and they have three girls.  Our kids haven't seen each other for two years.  My son instantly bonded with their oldest daughter, Jada, who is entering fourth grade, while my friend and I talked about all the similar challenges we face with these two kids, both socially and academically.  They were like peas in a pod the whole day and never left each other's side.  It just may be that Samuel is lucky enough to have found a soul mate at the tender age of 7.  My heart melted as I watched the interaction between those two sweet children and my friend and I talked about the fact that they really need to be pen pals.  It turns out that both of them need a fun way to practice handwriting.  We stayed there until about 8pm and I arrived back at home with two sleeping children.

Today is less exciting for the kids but will end on a high note for me.  I just got back from taking Samuel to Whole Foods, where we procured such interesting items as sprouts (he's never seen them before--parenting fail), Hippie Chips (don't ask, they were handing out samples and they contain potato pellets, which sound like something the potato leaves behind after you dig it up but don't taste like that at all, trust me), and quackers (yes, they are duck-shaped crackers, and the name is not really quackers but I think it should be).  We're going to take a walk to the park in a few minutes, and tonight the kids are staying home with my mom and sister while my brother and I go out to dinner for his birthday.  There will be beer and laughter.  It will be fun.

And now I spend the rest of the day with this song stuck in my head because it was playing on the radio in the store.  I wish I knew how to embed videos in this blog, but I don't.  I suck at technology.

Peace, people.

Internal Conflict

My brain is arguing with itself.  It sounds a lot like this:

Left Brain:  You need to find a new job.  You can’t make enough money to survive with what you’re doing now, and you have to support yourself and your kids.  Besides, you don't even like your job, or your schedule.  You owe it to yourself and to them to find reasonable employment.  Get cracking on that resume, lazy.

Right Brain:  But I’m scared of my resume.  It represents the job I have to get that I really don’t want because I want to be home with my kids.  I don’t want them to go to day care.

Left Brain:  That is understandable, but they will be fine in day care.  They are older now.  You’ll be fine, and they’ll be fine, you’ll see…but you have to LOOK for the job to find the job.  The longer you ignore that resume, the more scared you get.  Just go do it.

Right Brain:  But it’s going to be hard to revise it.  I have to think about working and offices and daycare and stuff.  And what if my kids need me and I’m not around?  And why can’t I be a stay at home mom who can just enjoy raising her kids like I really want to?  My kids deserve that, and I want that.  It’s not fair. 

Left Brain:  Life is not fair.  But this change will be good for you and the kids in the long run. You’re scared of this new job and you don’t even know what it is yet, and you’re scared of day care and you don’t even have one to be scared of yet.

Right Brain:  That’s part of the problem. I have to find reasonable day care for Abi and after school care for Samuel and it’s scary.  And I don’t have a spouse to help me if I can’t be there for them, and their dad lives in Oregon so he can't be there for them either.  And what makes me think I can handle work plus parenting on my own anyway?  It’s too much.  I don’t know how to do this on my own.

Left Brain:  Remember what your counselor told you today?  This past year has been filled with nothing but upheaval and chaos for you; in fact, the last several years have been nothing but upheaval and chaos for you.  Naturally, you are used to living with that kind of instability and preparing yourself to handle it.  But what makes you think that it will continue to be that way?

Right Brain:  Well, nothing, I guess.  But I worry about my son, because he is such a high needs child and he has had so much trouble in school, and needs a lot of help with simple things like homework.  And I also worry about things that are unforeseen.

Left Brain:  Break it down rationally, then.  You have family here to help you with the kids.  You have neighbors who can help you.  You may even find a job where telecommuting is an option for you.  But you won’t know until you try.  And besides, in two more years, when Abi is in first grade and both of your kids are away from you all day anyway, will you really be happy being at home, or will you want to work? 

Right Brain:  Work.  Definitely work.  I am just not ready for that right now.

Left Brain:  You’re more ready than you think you are.  Don’t worry about the resume this instant if it’s stressing you out; just think about the job possibilities that are out there, and the companies you’d love to work for.  Think about the peace of mind that will come with having a solid income and medical benefits.  How can you expect to line yourself up for that kind of work if you’re too scared to try? 

Right Brain:  I’m not too scared to try.  I can do it, I think.  I hope.  No, I can do it.  I just have to take one more step in that direction…just one.

Left Brain:  Good girl.  Just one.  Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Your kids love you and they know how much you love them.  They’ll be fine.  You have given them the tools they need to navigate this successfully.  You’re going to be fine.  Just take it easy, and take one baby step.  Go to one employment web page and look at some job possibilities.  And shut up about all the jobs you don’t qualify for…you only need to find one, and it’s out there for you.  You have all the time you need.  You’re the only one pressuring yourself.  No one else is pressuring you.  Take it easy and take that next step, and then the next, and you’ll get there.

Right Brain:  Okay, I’ll try one little step.  Just stay calm and rational like that.  I need that right now.

Left Brain:  Gotcha.  Calm and rational.  I can do that.  Calm and rational, I am.  But one more thing…

Right Brain:  What’s that?

Left Brain:  Remember your friends and family, the people who love you?  Let them help us both through this.  Because I may sound all calm and rational, but truthfully, this is very hard and scary for me, too.  We both need love to help us through.

Right Brain:  Love.  Yep, you’re right again.  We both need a lot of love.